)(( hannah mello ))(

I used to think that life was more real if someone else validated it.

(Please don't misunderstand me. Sure, life CAN BE RICHER richer richer when with another human TO BE SURE-- have had those experiences with or without seeking them and have been blown away. But, what I mean is, I used to think life was more REAL-- as if, if it wasn't "validated" by another human, I was imagining it or it was a phantom-of-an-experience that would blow away the second after...)

So, I took extra pictures--

posted them online.

I wrote alot of emails, myspace comments, -- not all event-sharing, just making sure I felt like, no matter where I was in the GPS eye, I was not "alone".

and -- I journaled alot. Trying to feel like me and myself were along with I.

But now something's moved inside of me. I still do those actions liberally and with joy (photographing and posting, messaging/emailing, journaling)-- but with a shifted motivation. I know I wanted to shift, but didn't until this unexpected moment...

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A MEMORY: I was on a ferry from Greece to Italy. A country I'd never seen before-- with a language I had never heard or seen written. I was alone. The ferry was almost empty, and it was a big boat. The journey was to last 12 hours. I remember watching the Grecian coastline disappear slowly, so happy to be leaving but so afraid about where I was going to. About an hour and a can of Dolmus after, I was sitting in a booth-like perch against a wall of windows on the second-to-top deck. The sun was going down, down, and I could tell the colors were more than extreme. I decided to find the closest window to the sunset. I went to every floor of the ship, FINALLY finding a window that was facing directly West (and, oddly enough, that's where I was headed...). It turned out the window was in a restaurant, bar-thing. Only a few of the tables were occupied. I didn't let that concern me. I walked between tables to one of those windows, moved aside the curtain, and just stood there. I stood, and I stood, and I stood, and I NEVER WANTED TO LEAVE that slanted-towards-me-oddly pane. Every single shape, every single tone, every layer upon layer upon layer of cloud and color was unlike anything I had ever heard described in a book, experienced by a pair of eyes, or painted-photoed-whatever, or even dreamed up. That sunset was absolutely _______. I don't even know what. No adjective. The funny thing was, I stood there, and I looked there, and I was in AWE there completely alone. No one that I could see had chased the window to see it fully. No one that I could see even knew anything was going on. Sure, everyone in that room knew I was a little odd for standing at a window for an hour (the literal time I was there, or more, motionless). An unshared moment. But truly seeing. I don't think I had many thoughts in my head-- whatever thoughts that were present were of gratitude or "wow"-type things. Silence. Being in total silence within and without. That was one of the last days of September 2005. The picture above is one of the dozens that I was able to snag through that dirty and definitely-slanted-towards-me-oddly window pane. I was able to, thanks to kodakgallery.com's deals, print a copy of it for FREE :) and have had it with me for these past 2 years as I've been a stranger in many strange lands. but I don't think I've ever talked about that experience until now...

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And I guess, now, a toast to the memories to come. I'm going to distance myself geographically from my coast of origin. It's even more alienating from my roots than going overseas. I'm in America still, but am going to be transplanted. It's so different than being a longer-term tourist abroad. I feel it. I feel it already. But, although initially that seems like a rabbit trail from the above musings, I have to say:

FIRST OF ALL, EVERY SOLITARY PERSON that is so so so unique and different from the next that I am so fortunate to know and to dialogue with and to have stories and intersections with IS A GIFT. Every last one. I am so honored to be able to honor the lives of so many diverse people (ages, races, family backgrounds, experiences, interests) as FRIENDS-- as FAMILY. Even as I write this, my heart overflows.

That being said, I know that naturally, ever so naturally, with this messiness of adulthood-emergence, my identity and my experiences cannot lessen or waffle or falter if I do not have the presence, affirmation or sight of one of those that I honor and that I am honored to be with in this life. Sure, if you break that down, it sounds really elemental and elementary. However, that choice is definitely a conscious one.

I'm excited to be seen by those I love in wondrous California these weeks I'm here. I'm excited to have been seen by others-- internationals who I randomly and so serendipitously got to live a bit of life with. And I'm excited to be seen AND UNSEEN by the masses who swirl and who will swirl around me in the Big Apple (I still don't know WHAT THE HELL that means and must do a google search immediately) of New York City pretty soon here...

So, toasting the fact that no matter what life is life and it stands alone-- whether it's labeled or ignored or wrongly-named or missed. I really want to be a human that doesn't label, doesn't ignore, doesn't quickly name, and who doesn't miss. Cheers to the organic-ness of seeing, listening, touching, tasting, and feeling. I wanna do all 5. Plus... maybe the 6th, as my enginneer but artist "student" Boris the Italian once said: "intuition".