)(( hannah mello ))(

Gratitude.

I remember trying to ask an Italian what the word was for "gratitude"-- doing what I always did, saying it in a round-about-way: "It's a noun for the word 'grazie'-- when you are really happy or something like 'con grazie?'... it's a noun-- not a response/expression or adjective?"

Just now, I went online and answered my own question, months overdue. thanks to wordreference.com ...

- riconoscenza: gratitude or acknowledgment (expressing gratitude)
- gratitudine: gratitude
- riconoscere con gratitudine: to appreciate-- to recognize with gratitude
- ADJ: grateful = grato (thankful)

Here I am this late night, sitting on an-on-the-floor-mattress in Jersey City, New Jersey-- across the river from the Big Apple (which I discovered was nicknamed that because of 1920's literature and a 1970's ad campaign for tourism to spice up the image of the city).

I'm not grateful in predictable black and white. I wouldn't say that I'm grateful linearly for this specific night or this specific place or this specific life moment/stage/season. Yes, I am grateful for those things. HARDCORE grateful. But, I'm grateful for all those realities in a more outside-of-time-and-space way... for the big picture view. And, I'm grateful for all the nuances and details and little bitty experiences and moments and connections that only I can truly sense and see as being the one that is me. I wish I could tell every single solitary story and then be able to retrace the web between each and every one. I love progression and dots being connected... yes yes yes, I'm so grateful for everything's progression and connection. I guess, simply said, I'm overwhelmed with how "my cup has overflowed and is overflowing".

I have so much gratitude in me. How can I express it?

Should I:

• spend all night journaling a list of every detail?
• sketch an abstract piece out of these emotions?
• sit here and just meditate on the mysteries?
• call someone and blab it all out?
• spend a moment or series of minutes in a silence of awe?
• close my eyes and turn of my light and set my alarm (in the opposite order)?
• remember, remember, remember?
• try to make a melody and sit words on it to spout it all however indirectly?
• whisper aloud everything in conversation with God?
• think of all the ways I can "pay it forward" to others indirectly?
• think of all the ways to give back to others directly?
• yell into a ravine like in the movie "garden state" (cause I am LITERALLY in New Jersey, THE garden state, after all!) :) ?
• implode, explode, or combust?

I remember sitting on a favorite rock just over the fence on West Cliff Drive some weeks ago in beloved Santa Cruz. I always hop the fence at a certain spot. This particular occasion was after seeing the film "Once"-- alone and amazed-- and feeling overwhelmed. I wasn't overwhelmed with emotions evoked directly from the plot or characters directly, but from a soul-source that the film somehow unlocked.

This photo is from that exact moment. Sitting there with the wind and the waves and the warmth of the sun-- absolutely overwhelmed and SPEECHLESS.

Speechlessness has been a relatively new thing for me. It all started Winter of 2004 when I went to a reunion of sorts with families I grew up with and saw one of my childhood friends for the first time in so many years. Speechlessness. The first moment of it. So many have followed. So many have followed.

Right now I am overwhelmed with speechlessness because of so many little itty bitties, so many giant chunks, so many page turners, so many plot-maker-moments --:

• realizing that I did not earn or deserve or warrant any of them.
• understanding their weight and value and cost.
• recognizing their significance in my story and what they will/can/could lead to.

So, here I sit with this gratitude, not on a Santa Cruz sea rock in day, but on a New Jersey bed at night.

Cheers to all that we receive as gifts but can never even hope to acknowledge or recognize with enough gratitude. Tonight I attempt... Io riconosco con gratitudine... I recognize with gratitude.

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posted by )(( hannah mello ))( @ 9:31 PM